A few days ago I e-mailed my entry poem into the Wergle Flomp Contest. It was an affair of pride; the dignity of the entire Diamond Angle staff was at stake.
What's that? Never heard of the Wergle Flomp Contest?
How about Poetry.com? Chances are good the name is familiar to a family member or friend. Each year they publish approxmately 50 volumes (give or take) of about 6000 poems apiece, and these they sell to authors who've been puffed with so much flattery they simply cannot resist the pre-publication price of 'only' 49.95. Biographical information on any poet will be included for a low, low, price of only 20 more dollars.
Let's do a little math. If only one third of the poets found in each anthology buy just one book for themselves (never mind additional copies for grandma, uncle Fred or cousin Herbie) 2000 volumes will have been sold. That comes to 100 thousand dollars per anthology release, and multiplying by 50 puts the total take estimate at 5 million dollars. Add 1000 poets per volume wanting their bio included, multiply first by 20 and then by 50 and we're up to 6 million, which is actually conservative.
That figure may be pocket change to Barry Bonds but it certainly got my attention.
And there's more. Poem reprints are available on laminated cards, a plaque, audio tape, or a myriad of other items, all for a price. Plus, if authors are nominated for Poet of the Year by the International Library of Poetry (Poetry.com's current legal name) , be prepared to shell out 595 additional dollars to attend one of their conventions. Physical presence is the ONLY way to win the award (does this sound like a lottery?). Thousands do yearly, if the experiences of former attendee Theresa Coleman are typical, and here's where it's time to reintroduce Wergle Flomp.
Writer David Taub tried mightily to produce a poem so lousy even Poetry.com wouldn't accept it and failed. Several times. Once under the name Wergle Flomp.
WinningWriters.com heard of Taub's experiences, got David to lend his nom de plume to a contest for the worst poem entered as a joke to a vanity press within a year, and the rest, as they say, is history. Next year's winning entry will recieve a check for 817.70, or the combined cost of attending an International Library of Poetry convention, a poem laden sweatshirt, laminated cards, calendar, plaque, and some other Poetry.com marketed odds and ends.
While scanning the list of the 2002 Flomp winner and honorable mentions, I noticed one of the latter was a 2 year old from New Zealand. Andrew Marty's profile says he's "not pinned his hopes on becoming a professional writer just yet, first, he'd like to learn to read and write". His entry is as follows:
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Dfnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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1`aaaaaaaaaaaadghjkmjkkl,<
gy4`478890<
AsDsddddddddBNJMNNN HH
HHHHHHHHHHGVGVFF
Another honorable mention was Ryan Hoffmann. Among other things he writes for the sports website FANSTOP, so I felt it my sworn duty as junior member of our staff to enter this contest. The gauntlet has been flung and our collective faces have been slapped.
A 3 year old Marty's gonna be tough to beat, though.
Copyright ©2002 Daniel Grey Taylor
sources: http://www.winningwriters.com/contestflomp.htm
and http://www.windpub.org/literaryscams/bigmoney.htm
